Former public schoolboy and Cambridge graduate Christian was appointed as an assistant Groundsman at Wycombe Wanderers in 2000, after a trial period in which he claims he excelled. He likes to think of himself as a popular figure at the club but his wild boasting, ludicrous claims and supposedly educated views mean that he has enemies. Powerful enemies

Feb 02 - The Season So Far 2000-01 Diary

Christian's 2000-01 Diary

I’m really pleased to be writing for Stack my Beech Up although I am slightly surprised that I wasn’t the person who thought this up, I normally have all the good ideas at Wycombe. I will be casting my eye over the events at the club every week in 2001-02, but to tide you over, here is my 2000-01 diary.

August
It was my idea to play Steve Jones up front against Stoke on the opening day of the season. As I told Sanchez on the coach up, "Get him into their ‘keeper and we’ll be fine. Life is a battle but only the winners can truly lick their wounds". He was sceptical but I persuaded him in an M6 service station over a pain au chocolat and a cheeky bottle of claret.

September
Oxford United came down for live game on a Friday night. The pitch was looking less than splendid until I did my magic. I spent a year out travelling through the jungles of Borneo so I know what makes things grow. Meanwhile, the rain caused some problems to the TV camera crew but I am a dab hand with a screwdriver and things were fine and dandy in minutes. I got a BSkyB benchcoat as a thankyou. Polyester? Ugh!

October
The Notts County game was notable for the appearance of Lionel Ritchie at Adams Park. The crooner was pleased to meet me and he was extremely interested in my thesis on the commercial decline of the Detroit music scene. I sold him some grass seed for his garden but Jim Gardner had the rank temerity to tick me off.

November
Colchester away is a big game for any Wycombe fan and I was pleased to travel separately from the team for this game. I’m generally regarded as immensely hard yet utterly fair, so marching into the centre of that bleak town held no fear for me. I am something of a Karate expert and I despatched three Essex goons with ease. God I’m marvellous.

December
Millwall had to come to Adams Park for the FA Cup replay and the club requested that I sit in with the away fans and keep an eye on them. I didn’t mind and to be honest it was a piece of cake. I have a degree in sociology and I know what makes these sort of people tick. I blended in with my tales of London, although they were a bit scornful of my Belgravia anecdotes. Fools.

January
Crisis before the Wolves game when the pitch was covered in snow. I had been at a book party the night before discussing Camus’s The Stranger so I was in no mood for winter weather. You can imagine my outrage then, to be woken from my slumber in the morning and forced to shovel snow. My cashmere scarf just didn’t seem very effective in the howling gale, but we won the match apparently, so at least it wasn’t in vain.

February
The FA Cup run was gathering apace and the visit of Wimbledon had the town in a fever. I was sent out to make sure that the pitch would be okay but Gardner had failed to grasp the fact that my Italian brogues were just not up to mud and dirt. I asked for a desk job but they told me to go and get on with it. Sometimes the ignorance at this club just drives me mad!

March
In the days leading up to the quarter-final game with Leicester Steve Brown was compiling a video diary. I was on hand to give him some advice but outrageously he seemed uninterested. I lectured the squad on the Dogma 95 school that has revitalised the European cinematic scene but they were more interested in Michael Simpson swearing like some kind of prole.

April
The big day arrived - an FA Cup semi-final clash with Liverpool. I’ve always had a soft spot for the Reds to be honest, so I didn’t mind who won but it was good to travel up with the lads. Isn’t Birmingham horrid? I tried to fire up the lads before the game by using the famous Meyer Lansky line "We’re bigger than US Steel". I think there can be little doubt it was this gem that saw us go in at half-time with a 0-0 scoreline.

May
Renowned larrikins Colchester United came to Wycombe to finish the season and I was forced to stay in the car-park during the match, "to watch for trouble". Everything seemed fine until 10 minutes into the game when a band of brutes came round the corner. One of them had the precipitancy to spit at me which really spoilt the day. If it hadn’t been for the boys in blue I would have boxed some ears. This country is going to the dogs and there just aren’t enough kennels.

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