Former public schoolboy and Cambridge graduate Christian was appointed as an assistant Groundsman at Wycombe Wanderers in 2000, after a trial period in which he claims he excelled. He likes to think of himself as a popular figure at the club but his wild boasting, ludicrous claims and supposedly educated views mean that he has enemies. Powerful enemies
Feb 02 - The Season So Far 2000-01 Diary Feb 02 - The Season So Far
Well, what a season this has been so far. It reminds me of my old tutor at Harvard on that blessed exchange programme. He looked at me and said "Christian, you are a beautiful young boy and you have the brains of an angel but I simply cannot pass you this semester - you are simply too bloody dangerous!"
I came home with a smile on my face and got this job at Adams Park - and I have rapidly become the most sought after young pitch tender in the football league. Just the other day I saw Steve Brown looking at the pitch on a Saturday morning before a match. "He could do with a pep talk," I thought to myself and wandered over.
"The Spartan army was outnumbered at Thermopolis Steven," I noted. "But when the Athenians let their guard slip then by God did those good men and true rush in and seal the fates of the day".
He walked away without saying anything but I could see that he was thinking deeply about what I said. I have asked Lawrie Sanchez if I should come into the dressing room at half time and perhaps use my philosophy knowledge to bolster the players’ hearts. His reply? "Fuck off you irritating little fucker". I must say I do respect his attempts to instil the crazy gang spirit into the club, though at times he can be a bit brusque.
Some of you may have noticed the burns on the pitch recently. These came about of course from the heaters the club employed before the Fulham match in that bitterly cold snap of weather that seemed to drag us into 2002 like new born lambs in a farmer’s arms.
As you can imagine, I argued long and hard against such a procedure. "Did Lazarus set his doleful eyes on his sweet mother after taking to the skies" I pressed Ivor Beeks. His reply concerned making a good profit from the game but I was disappointed that he could sense my deeper understanding of the world at large.
I get on well with Beeks and I fly into a considerable rage when I read on the Internet that he has been dubbed with obstreperous names like Monkey Man and suchlike. He is a very clever man and extremely popular. He holds numerous after-hours meetings here at the ground and I am urgently seeking to join in with these apparently sophisticated soirees. He has not let me do this yet but my time will come, it has to.
So, the rest of the season is shaping up and I will have plenty of work making sure that the players are prepared for their promotion challenge. I wish that some of them would open up to me more but I suppose that many of them are ill-educated and irascibly shy.
If they are reading this then I say to them "Join with me in my endeavours and together we will make this club a better and more exciting place to conduct ourselves."
God bless the Queen and Wycombe Wanderers Football Club
Postscript: Christian would like to express his deep sorrow at the death of Princess Margaret. She was a wonderful woman and once entertained Christian’s grandfather at Blenheim Palace in 1942. The Royal Family are the backbone of the country and any animal without a backbone is a floppy insidious animal.
Play up and play the game
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