INSPECTOR HARRIS INVESTIGATES 
DI Anita Harris of Wye Valley Police is currently investigating a very strange case involving our favourite football team. A player is seemingly being stalked, there is a Prime Suspect, but at the moment DI Harris just doesn't have enough evidence to nail the freak.....
Evening all. In my years with the Force I've managed to get my hands on quite a few stalkers, but this one
is proving a bit too slippery even for my experienced grip. I first realised something was afoot a few weeks back.
It was a quiet day at the station, as I recall I was looking forward to my holiday and beginning to feel the benefits of
my HRT treatment. ThereI was, sitting in my office with one foot up on the desk, doing my bikini line and sipping sherry
when one of my lovely lithe young lads at the station walked in and slipped me something fascinating.
Apparently the muscular young PC had been sent to investigate reports that a member of the public had been seen committing
a lewd act behind the away stand at Adams Park, but when he arrived at the scene all he found was a crumpled piece of
paper. It looked like a page from a diary so, while the swarthy young PC kindly took over on the bikini line, I proceeded
to read....
| Mon 11th | went to phuckinG football. simmO was marvellous as usual, he ran the show and he looked greaT. it can only be a matter of time before sveN goraN ericssoN is on the phone to him. |
| Wed 13th | saw simmO in johN lewiS buying some pillows, they had a nice masculine look, a kind of egyptiaN pattern in dark green and red. i could just imagine my heaD resting on one of those.... |
Well, this obviously got my investigative juices flowing I can tell you. At first I thought it might just be a normal fan who thought very highly of this particular player, but as I read on I got more and more concerned...
| Thu 14th | left otiS with the neighbours and spent the night outdoors in bicesteR. It was worth it, saw simmO open front door and pick up two pints of milK. he was wearing a black dressing gown, beautiful. bangeD one out behind hedgE. |
...and on and on it went. There was a lot of rambling about players being too old and how good the away stand extension looked, which I chose to ignore, but it was becoming very clear to me that this person's interest in this particular player went some way beyond what is considered 'normal'. The strange use of capitals indicated an unstable personality, and who on earth was this mysterious 'Otis' character?
As luck would have it, I arrived at the ground just as the team had just finished training. I found them all splashing
about in the bath and laughing away, unfortunately they mistook me for one of those strip-o-grams and before I knew it the
uniform was on the floor and I was in there getting a right old soaping, as well as a few tackles from behind. When
everyone had finally calmed down, I managed to talk to the player in question. He told me he had been a little worried,
because he was convinced he kept seeing a well-known Welsh international player in all manner of strange locations -
in the car park, while shopping in Tesco's fruit & veg section, while buying a Hoover bag from the local
market, while picking up the milk on his doorstep...the list was endless.
It was lucky the diary had fallen into the
right hands, for when I get my teeth into a case I am like a dog with a bone. If this document was genuine, then it
was possible that the unfortunate player was being stalked by a deranged fan. Leaning over very carefully, I
tapped the player's name into the Police computer...you can imagine my surprise when I unearthed
this. It was clearly time for some decisive action. Thanking the
young constable for his attentions, I put my skirt and stockings back on, finished my Amontillado and made my way
to Adams Park.
Well I contacted the boys back at the nick, who ran a few checks and informed me that the stalker could not possibly be the Welsh player in question. The player seemed almost relieved to hear this, but obviously still rather concerned about who it was that was following him. His description enabled us to produce an artist's impression of the suspect, and thanks to some hard work from our forensic and psychological experts we have been able to derive a fairly accurate profile of the suspect:
| Artist's Impression |  |
| Age | Roughly 29 |
| Hair colour | Definitely NOT ginger |
| Location | Downley or nearby |
| Occupation | Possibly an Accountant? |
| Marital status | Cat owner |
| Nickname | His name is bootS |
| Other aliases | How long have you got? |
| Eating habits | Cheesecake, noodles, Sharwoods, takeaways |
| Hobbies | Football, banging one out |
| Supports | Wycombe, Lincoln, Liverpool, etc. |
| Peculiarities | wherE do i phuckinG starT? |
Does this ring any bells, remind you of anybody you know? If you have any information
that might help us to apprehend this bizarre character, please call Wye Valley Police or e-mail me at
dianitaharris@hotmail.com. Are you are a fat slag from the Wycombe
area? Have you recently slept with someone who fits the above description, and woken up to find him banging one out
beside you while reading a Wycombe programme? Or maybe been woken up by a cat crawling over your cheeky round
face? We are particularly keen to talk to a horse rider with a tongue stud and an orange g-string, believed to
come from the Marlow area.
Evenin' all.
Harris