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 Bucks, the final frontier |
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Chairman's Log, Star Date 21 October 2002
Saddam Hussein? Eat your heart out buddy, my benign and munificent leadership will continue for another five glorious years.
My people adore me so much that I am completely unopposed. You have to watch out for Gorg Busch and his grinning poodle,
while all I have to worry about is a handful of spotty teenagers with silly names! Aah, the power....my bulky thighs glow
white with heat at the mere thought of it. I am the true heir of Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun, Napoleon, Joe Stalin, Adie Hitler
and Graham Norton. The hungry, flea-ridden peasants throw themselves at my manly feet in adoration and avert their eyes
lest my shimmering godlike beauty turn them to dust. I AM FUCKING GREAT.
In the spirit of glasnost and perestroika that my benign and munificent leadership is renowned for, we have held an open
meeting with the crew to discuss how marvellous I am and how rosy the future is. Apart from that, the main talking point
was probably Spock-Man's announcement that he will be abandoning his Direct Insterstellar Hoofdrive. There was nothing
wrong with the technology, it was just that the engineers did not know how to use it properly. Now I know some carping scum
have suggested that the crew were unhappy with the Hoofdrive, and that its continued employment may have led to the Starship
Adamspark becoming a ghost ship. Ridiculous, the fact is it was just too advanced for the likes of you. Have these vermin
got the courage to stand in front of my phaser and tell me they disagree? I thought not.
Chairman's Log, Star Date 10 October 2002
Hmm, I suppose you could say our fortunes have been mixed recently. We were stung by some Bees, but we overcame some Pilgrims
in style and travelled to the very Heart of Darkness to conquer the evil ColYoo. These malevolent semi-humanoid life forms
have been the bane of Starfleet for aeons, and I would have thought that such a triumph would have vindicated
Spock-Man's logical Vulcan tactics and raised the crew's morale to unprecedented levels.
Perhaps it was unfortunate timing that, a few days later, the Adamspark welcomed its former leader Commander O'Neill and his
crew for a party to celebrate the career of Colonel Cousins. I know that Spock-Man was a little put out to be taking a
back seat to such a Starfleet hero, but at least he cleverly took the opportunity to try out another of his
former Vulcan colleagues. Now I know that the crew were delighted to see Colonel Cousins and Corporal Carroll again, and of
course Commander O'Neill's time at the helm of the Adamspark is the stuff of legend, but for some crew members to sing
O'Neill's name in the presence of Spock-Man is nothing short of insubordination. You are a disgrace, no wonder he was
reluctant to give you the Vulcan greeting. Your role on this ship is to pay up, shut up and support everything Spock-Man
does. Anything else will be considered mutiny. Grrr, I'm so angry - pass me the fucking gin.
Chairman's Log, Star Date 20 September 2002
Oh dear, the ship is rocking. We have been humbled by the Latics, the Tangerine People and the Railway Monsters. Starfleet's
annual report has revealed record losses, and we have had to say goodbye to Lieutenant Monkman and all his mates. This really
is a tragic blow, Lieutenant Monkman came to us with a glittering record of success in Star Fleet Catering and he has worked
tirelessly to turn the Adamspark into an efficient business unit. I'm sure there will be speculation over the real reasons
for his departure - did he make a mess of the Klingons deal? Did he waste Starfleet money on employing his friends and other
useless shite? Did he upset the entire crew of the Adamspark? Well obviously I know all the answers, but frankly I'm buggered
if I'm telling you lot.
To make matters worse, I hear that there have been mumblings of discontent over Spock-Man's logical Vulcan tactics. Well
it's a bloody disgrace, you ungrateful moaners are causing us to suffer defeats and putting the future of the Adamspark in
jeopardy. You should be ashamed of yourselves - just remember who's in charge here, shut up and get behind Spock-Man.
Or else. I'm so angry, I'm off to wreak havoc in the dungeons.
Chairman's Log, Star Date 31 August 2002
Tremendous news, Spock-Man's logical methods are beginning to bear fruit. In a bruising encounter with a number of casualties,
the Hoopy Vermin of Loftus were put to the sword in thrilling style. Then we travelled to the Frozen Boundary and triumphed
over the fearsome Dowieoids. Where are the doubters now, eh? I'm so happy, Lady B is in for a treat tonight - time to get
the oxygen mask out I feel...
We are pleased to hear that Ensign Baird has found himself a new post, on the mining ship SS Brackley. We were sorry we
had to say goodbye to him, but he seemed to spend most of his time in the Sick Bay and, after all, we do now have some bloke
who can throw things for frigging miles. I think Spock-Man may be slightly embarrassed that Ensign Baird's promising career
was set back by an injury caused by a Vulcan.
Chairman's Log, Star Date 25 August 2002
Hmmm, the mission appears to have got off to a rather indifferent start, with stalemates against the Notscunti, the Shoe-Eaters
and the Staggoids, followed by a rather embarrassing defeat at the hands of the Cider People. Some of the crew appear to be having a little trouble adapting to Spock-Man's logical Vulcan methods, and
I imagine that Corporal Currie and Second Officer Roberts will find it harder than most. For this reason Spock-Man has
wisely decided to either beam them up after 60 minutes or simply leave them behind on the ship.
We have also experienced a few unfortunate technical problems on the Adamspark. The ship's lights failed again during our
encounter with the Shoe-Eaters, and the new display screen on the bridge had to go back to the makers because, well, it
turned out to be a right old heap of intergalactic gash. But fear not, the Adamspark is in safe hands and we shall overcome.
The Klingons have explored the Adamspark and found it to their liking, the future is rosy.
Chairman's Log, Star Date 7 August 2002
Well, the new mission looms large and once again we venture into the unknown with a feeling of optimism among the crew. There
was some concern when we learned that the Romulans had pulled out of the TV deal, but the threat to Starfleet coffers has
been minimised by the sterling work of Lieutenant Monkman. This sparkling, fertile genius has single-handedly masterminded
the deal to share our ship with the Klingons and give the Adamspark a state-of-the art Desso forcefield, without doubt one
of the greatest days in Starfleet history.
I am particularly pleased with Spock-Man's progress, and we are proud to announce that he and his old Vulcan friend
T'itch have agreed to stay with Starfleet for the next 65 years. Spock-Man's vast intellect and his logical approach are
crucial to our future success, his mind-meld with John Beck appears to have been a great success, and he is already working on a means
of beaming further than we have ever beamed before. We can also welcome on board another Vulcan, Ensign Cawley, who will be
working closely with our younger crew members to help impose a logical, efficient Vulcan style on the whole of the Adamspark.
Mr. P, October 2002